I don't blame myself, so whoever blames me can just go to hell

Who's got time to read? Because I've got time to write. Lots of time, so expect a long (and long winded) post.

So. When we went for a scan at my 8th week, the doctor couldn't detect any heartbeat, and the baby measured up to be only 6 weeks old. Then I started spotting, Little at first, then a bit more on Saturday (at Dayang's house warming). I was a bit concerned by then, and when we went see the doctor again that night, I was referred to a specialist. I suppose from the moment the second line appeared on the UPT, I was a bit apprehensive. Firstly because I had been training for the run since months before, and I ran the morning the test came out positive. Secondly was because we had actually put on hold our plans to get pregnant.

Anyway, on Monday we went to Putrajaya Hospital and true enough, the baby was gone. I had come to terms with my loss by then. I didn't think running was to blame. But having said that, if I were to know I was pregnant before I ran, I probably wouldn't have. The doctor didn't know what caused the miscarriage, but said that sometimes the baby just wasn't strong enough to develop. We accepted that explanation. I was sent home and an appointment was set 2 weeks later for a D&C.

Then early Friday morning (the same week), I awoke at 3.30 a.m to a bed wet with my blood. I had worn a pad that night and so I was surprised to see so much blood coming out. Like I said, I consider myself lucky. If I didn't already know I had miscarried, I probably would have screamed my head off or became really traumatized. The blood was lumpy (? I meant beeketul-ketul), it even looked like pardon me hati lembu. It was that huge, that piece of lumpy blood. About 10cm x 5cm x say 3cm thick. That's the biggest piece. There were several smaller pieces. I got so light headed I couldn't stand up. But Alhamdulillah, I didn't suffer from any cramps. In short, it was painless. The blood just flowed out. I just took a glance at the mess on the toilet floor and went to lie down in front.

I couldn't look at what I had passed, because I was scared at what I might find. It was just so heart breaking.

We waited until morning to go to the hospital, after we dropped Emma off at Opah's.

Had the D&C done at 4.30 pm, and I was warded for one night. The D stands for dilation, which means enlarging. Curettage (the C) means scraping. Together, this procedure involves expanding or enlarging the entrance of a woman's uterus so that a thin, sharp instrument can scrape or suction away the lining of the uterus and take tissue samples. I apparently had an incomplete miscarriage whereby 'expulsion of some, but not all, of the products of conception before the twentieth week of pregnancy. With incomplete miscarriage, the bleeding is heavier, and abdominal pain is almost always present. The mouth of the womb is open, and the pregnancy is being expelled. Ultrasound would show some material still remaining in the womb.'

I don't blame myself, so whoever blames me can just go to hell.

It was generally painless because of the general anesthesia given. Post op was also relatively OK for me, didn't experience any stomach cramps or back pain. I did however end up with a swollen lower right lip and ulcers and a swollen (I think) lelangit.

Jadi, saya sedang berpantang di rumah dan berehat kerana mendapat 8 hari cuti sakit sehingga Jumaat ini.

Another story to tell is about Zufri's experience taking care of Emma for one whole day. I was worried he couldn't cope or that Emma wouldn't sleep. But Alhamdulillah, she did ask for me for the first few hours she came home. But after that she seemed fine, according to Zufri. They were lying down watching the telly when Emma said she was hungry and wanted rice. So at 9.30pm, they went to Aladdin. Diaper change wasn't a struggle or a contest with Zufri. With me I always had to entertain her and trick her and all that. With her father, she went willingly. Sleep time was also pleasant. See. Boleh aje dia tido tanpa menyusu. I should really clean her room up soon so she can learn to sleep on her own.

And tonight is already Ramadhan. Sayangnya tak dapat ke masjid 1st night of Ramadhan. InsyaAllah there'll be many more days this holy month.

Selamat berpuasa kepada semua.